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"Sometimes, all you had to do was exist to be someone's savior"



I think it’s safe to say that Amaya from Stroking the Flame Within Her Heart was the true definition of a scorned woman. After finding her man in bed with another woman, she’d had it with everyone, and it was reflected in how she treated people—especially men. Her attitude was bad. Everyone knew it and she couldn’t care less.


Lucky for her, Travis found her foul attitude sexy, and he didn’t back down from a challenge. As a matter of fact, he had been known to be Captain Save a Hoe; but when the ex-love of his life played him for a fool, he learned that although he may have good intentions in wanting to save his women of interest, it may have negative outcomes.


“A past disaster showed me that you can’t save everyone, especially someone that doesn’t want to to be saved. My parents always told me I had a savior’s complex, and it was a blessing and a curse.”


Hmmm…let’s revisit that…he learned that although he may have good intentions in wanting to save his women of interest, it may have negative outcomes. How many of y’all can relate to this? Let’s take a deeper look at the savior complex.


According to PeopleSkillsDecoded.com, the savior complex can be best defined as “a psychological construct which makes a person feel the need to save other people. This person has a strong tendency to seek people who desperately need help and to assist them, often sacrificing their own needs for these people.”


I can see this being the case with Travis because not only was his ex married, but she was married to an abusive man. Imagine sharing the love of your life and having to witness them being abused. And although she promised to leave her husband, she never did, and his needs were never met. True definition of the savior complex.


If you’re like me—someone who feels joy by helping others—you’re probably side-eyeing the fact that helping others can actually be toxic. But keep in mind, if you feel depleted, something’s wrong.


So now the question becomes: how do you balance helping others and caring for yourself?

  • Set boundaries with other individuals that allow you to balance caring for them with trying to “save” them.

  • Say “maybe” or “no” before saying yes in order to give yourself time to weigh options.

  • Slow down enough to be mindful of choices.

  • Let your loved one, friend and/or partner take responsibility for their actions.

  • Don’t work harder than your friend, loved one and/or partner.

  • Do the best that you can do to support the individual and then “let go” (psychologytoday.com, 2022).

Although the interventions listed above sound easy enough, it’s definitely a challenge to put them into practice and may take someone a while to come to the realization that being there for someone unconditionally may be more hurtful than helpful. When Amaya got a visit from her ex, she was visibly shaken and upset, and Travis noticed. Without a second thought, he asked, “You want that back?” When she responded no, he told her, “Good, because I didn’t plan on letting you go easy.” That makes me wonder, had Travis truly learned his lesson, or would he be willing to fall into the habit of being Amaya’s savior?

Ms. Tay Mo’Nae, I need answers! Weigh in!

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