Sazmen Moss is one the funniest characters I've read about in a while. He's mannish, he's crass and he's officially been added to my Book Bae list. He isn't your typical book bae, but he fits the kind of fictional men I like. His humor is what drew me to him. What makes him even more interesting is he's funny even when he's not trying to be. Over the course of this three book series readers got to see his character develop and grow, but one thing that remained consistent was his humor. This blog post is going to highlight some of his funniest moments. Keep scrolling you can see exactly why I love Saz. If you don't like spoilers, now would be the time to leave.
When book one start's, Saz is picking up his brother from being interrogated by the police.
"'About time they let yo ole light bright ass out! I thought I was gon' have to blow this son of a bitch up!' my brother, Saz exclaimed, dapping me up. 'Nigga, you would have killed me too!' I exclaimed. 'At least I would have got you out.' 'Then, I would have had to come haunt yo Black ass!' 'Betta haunt these nuts!' He laughed, grabbing his balls. I just laughed at his goofy ass and got in the car."
Saz and his brother, Brandon, both have the same dad. But Monica and Brandon both have the same mom. So that makes them kind of related, but for Saz, that means absolutely nothing. When Brandon announces that he needs to take Monica to her doctor's appointment, this was Saz's response.
"'I can take her. You know I'm her baby daddy, right? She just sacred to tell you how she be hoppin' on this pole every time a nigga come around.' He joked with a huge grin on his face while moving his hand up and down on his lap. I reached over and hit his ass in the chest."
Saz gets a phone call from his Pops and their conversation has to be the funniest father/son dialogue I've ever read.
"'Shut the the fuck up. What are you doin'?' Pop brushed me off with a question. 'Just finished poundin' Paisley's guts.' 'Sazmen!' Pai yelled and pulled the glass door open while grilling me. I winked and blew her a kiss. She kissed her teeth and slammed the door."
Saz and Paisley break up for bit and Brandon is trying to give Saz some good advice. But Saz is still a work in progress at this point in the story.
"'Her ass wouldn't be breathing. Y'all would be going to visit her gravesite with each nigga's dick she fucked laying there as a reminder of why her ass was dead in the first fuckin' place. I wish the fuck she would, man,' he barked with a deep frown.
And the same scene, Saz shows readers exactly why he's a work in progress.
"Nah. You remember that little chick, Bianca, I pipe down when needed? Well, my shit so fuckin' backed up and I need a good fuckin'. I'mma go blow her back out, then take a nap because I know this shit might take all night, and I need to be alert so this bitch can get off your back."
And when Brandon decides to call him out on his shit.
"'What else am I supposed to do? It ain't like Paisley about to just willingly give me some pussy, and my hand ain't gon' cut it every day. What? I'm supposed to wait on her?' he asked in a serious tone."
It's how serious he is that makes this so comical for me.
Brandon gives Saz a call not long after their conversation, informing him that Monica's baby daddy wants to come and work for them. But he makes Saz guess first.
"' Who? Boo Boo the Fool? I don't have time for guessin' games! My dick soft as fuck now, foolin' with your childish ass,' he barked, and had me rollin'.
And after Brandon tells him it's Kioni.
"'Hell yeah! Let that nigga get on so I can boss his ass around and have him doing dumb shit. He about to go through a rush like he tryin' to get into a sorority or something. Make him suck a crackhead's dick or something,' he raved in excitement, and I was in Korday's driveway rollin'."
Even when Saz is being a brat, he's still funny.
"'Aye, Cop. B tell you how he catchin' feelings for a pregnant woman,' I yelled out while side eyein' B. Cop started snickerin' while B turned around and gave me one of the meanest mugs. 'Fuck you lookin' at stepdaddy.' 'Hell, naw!' Coppa screeched in between laughs. 'Yo, B. I know you ain't gon' let baby bruh do you like that,' he instigated. He thought this shit was comical, and so did I. The expression on B's face said he wasn't too amused. 'Aye, Cop. Saz tell you how he been depressed as fuck because Pai finally left his grimy, unfaithful ass,' B spoke up, wipin' the sneaky smirk clean off my face. I sat up with my nose flared and attitude on ten. B knew he got the best of me, so he decided to keep goin'. 'See, look at his cry baby ass. Can't take what the fuck his ass dish out and gets mad when someone comes back harder. Stop doin' the shit if you can't handle it, bruh. Just like you can't handle the consequences of cheatin' on Pai.'"
Don't beep your horn at Saz.
"'Aye, who the fuck you beepin' at? All this got damn road and you can't go around a muthafucka? Nah, fuck that. Put that shit in reverse and go around me. Let me know if that will be a problem, and I'll be happy to solve that shit for you,' I yelled as I pulled my piece from behind my back and held it in front of me. I was in that mood to bust a cap in somebody's ass, and I prayed he tried me. Like the pussy I figured he was, he mumbled some shit under his breath and started backin' up. I waited patiently for him to pull off, givin' him the finger as he passed me by me."
Even when it's time to handle business, Saz does not know how to turn his comedic effect off.
"Fuck nah! You see how I ran up in that thing? I wanted to be like Scarface and make an announcement before I started blastin', but he fucked that up when he shot you. All I saw was red and started shootin' everything in sight. Hell, I even killed the little dog because he started bitin' my shoes. Fucked my shoestrings all up."
In book 2, Saz opens up the book up with his craziness.
"'Hol' up. Kioni was fuckin' this bitch too? Daaammmmmnnn! Let me go wash my fuckin' dick before this shit fall off or somethin'. I ain't ever fuck her raw, but a nigga gotta be safe,' Saz scoffed as he shot the girl once more before taking off his shirt and disappearing into the back.
Because Saz can't stand Kioni he gives him a hard time, all the time.
"I see that tight ass nut sac finally dropped and gave you some balls. I can respect that but..."
These were his words right before he rocked Kioni's ass. Of course, he can't just take his W and go about his business.
""I've been waitin' to duck his punk ass,' Saz spat. 'Bitch ass bit me like a damn dog. Aye, B. Take me to the vet. I might have rabies or ticks or some shit from this. Don't it look like it's gettin' infected already?' 'Fuck you, man!' 'I wouldn't fuck your ass with a fifty-foot pole, Ki! I can go fuck Moni, though. You know, since you weren't hittin' it right.'"
Saz has no chill. Even when it's time to be serious.
"'Tomorrow? Why the fuck we can't go today and get this shit over? Do you not know how bad my trigger finger been itchin'? I didn't fuck with Ki like that, but this siht affectin' my baby, and I can't play daddy if I'm not in the right mindset.' "When are you ever in the right mindset, bruh? And ain't nobody playin' daddy to Nona G but me. The only man she needs is her uncle, and I'm always goin' to make sure she's straight.' 'Nah. Her mama calls me daddy, why can't she?' His goofy ass smirked, and I leaned up to punch his chest. 'Stop puttin' ya hands on me, B! Fo' I knock ya' wannabe pretty ass out. Answer my question, why we can't go today?'"
Even him and Paisley getting back together was hilarious.
"Well, actually, it's two things. First, when you gon't stop playin' and give me another chance? I swear I've changed, man, and I know you see that shit too. We've been layin' up and shit like ole times, and it's gettin' harder for me to resist your fine ass, Pai. I love you and only you. I'm hard at learnin', but your ass done taught me a life lesson that I will never forget. I can't be without you and I'm not, so fuck it. We're back together, and you can't say otherwise. Now change out that little ass dress befo' I go get one of my mama's old school dresses out the closet. You'll be walkin' around here lookin' like Miss Celie from The Color Purple."
Paisley can't wrap her mind around how he just decided that they were back together, but if it makes sense to Saz, it has to make sense to everyone.
"'Oh fuckin' well. You better make sense of it because I'm not playin' with your stubborn ass anymore. It's back to baby and bae, not that friend shit you was talkin'.' I laughed at him, and his nostrils flared, so he was getting pissed. 'You think shit funny?Bet.'"
Saz can never be serious while having a brotherly discussion with Brandon.
"I've been givin' her this long dick, that's why, nigga. I got her back, and I'm not lettin' her go. Daddy been servin' her this pipe she been missin', feel me? Aye, you think her and Moni would be down for a threesome?
When Brandon tells Saz to stop playing with his sister.
"Nigga, you ain't gon' do shit. If anything, Pop will be buryin' both our asses because I'm not gon' die by myself. I'm takin' you with me, bruh. We can get on the other side and jump Kioni for hurtin' my baby mama like he did. I bet God was lookin' at how fucked up his face was from that ass whoopin' I gave him when he stood at the gates."
And even though he started the conversation about dying and the afterlife.
"'Hell nah! I don't do that ghost, paranormal shit. I swear I'll fight a ghost, real shit.' B and Zanir looked at one another before laughing. I don't know what they fuck they thought was funny because I was dead ass. Let a ghost try me, they'd wish they never fucked with me. 'You do know you can't fight a ghost, right? I mean, you gon' be fightin' the air,' Zanir chuckled. 'His ass does that shit anyway. Zee told us how you were when Pai dipped out on you,' B said in between laughing. 'Because, man. I was pissed off and I couldn't hit her ass, or I would have got knocked. So, I started punchin' the air,' I admitted with a shrug. 'I ain't know what else to do.'"
Brandon wants the entire family to go to Mexico and Saz is ecstatic.
"'Shiiid, I ain't know we was goin' to Mexico! You know I like them foreign bitches,' Saz joked while actin' like he was shakin' some maracas. 'I only know one Spanish word, so I'm about to be walkin' around callin' everybody a bitch! Puta here, put there, putas everywhere!'"
And when they get to Mexico.
"'Hola, Putas!' Saz yelled at the top of his lungs. He took one of the flutes and turned it up but spit it out just as quick. 'Yo, fuck is this? Where the Henny at?'"
Saz is giving Paisley some encouraging words, but Saz wouldn't be Saz if he didn't lace his speech with comedy.
"'Remember, you're not facin' it alone. I'm here, and I hope Karmen's stank ass try some slick shit. I won't hesitate to pop her in the mouth with a rubber band.' 'A rubber band?' I snorted from laughing so hard. 'Hell yeah! I can't hit a female with my hands, but I got that fire aim with rubber bands. Ask B. I used to pop his ass in the back of the head all the time.'"
Saz decides to stop traffic again, but this time it's to propose to Paisley.
"'Paisley Barbie, you gon' marry a nigga now? I'll have these muthafuckas sittin' here all night until you say yes.' 'Yes, I will marry your crazy ass.' I giggled. 'That's what the fuck I thought.'"
And when traffic starts to blow at them.
"Stop fuckin' honkin' before I snatch that bitch out! My fiancée and me are havin' a special moment, and y'all over here fuckin' shit up bein' dramatic!"
Book 3 starts with Moni moving into her new house. Saz is helping her move in, but not without complaining or cracking jokes.
"'That shit heavy as fuck, Moni. Why you pick this big-ass furniture?' Saz huffed, bent over with his hands on his knees, breathing heavy. 'Brandon told me to pick what I wanted, so I did.' 'Yo' ass ain't that big and neither is Nona G. You could have gotten a damn Laz-Z-Boy and been good. Fuck! Got me out of breath and shit like I've been workin' out. A nigga gon' have an asthma attack fuckin' wit' you.' 'Bruh, you don't even have asthma,' Brandon chuckled. 'Hell, my ass got it today. I'm over here breathin' like I don't weigh 180, but 380. Got me fucked up.'
And when they tell him to stop complaining.
"'Where the fuck Korday's brother at? They ain't came yet? Aye, who got an inhaler? I feel like I'm about to die,' Saz stated dramatically. 'Sazmen! Stop actin' crazy and go help Brandon!' Mama yelled while giggling and shaking her head. 'Don't make me take my shoe off.' 'Ma Celine, why you tryin' to be a bully? You tryin' to make me drop dead? You don't hear how I'm over here breathin', annndd you want to knock a nigga out? It's cool. I see how you do your son-in-law.'"
Saz and Brandon's dad has been MIA lately. Saz's theory of why he's been missing is nothing short of interesting.
"'Hell yeah, me too. His ass been creepin' and shit lately. He been layin' low and stayin' to himself. I'm gon roll up on his old ass later and I bet he be there fuckin'.' 'Fuckin'? Bruh, you say some off the wall shit.' I couldn't help but laugh. Only Saz would think of some shit like that. 'That's not some shit I would want to see.' 'I wouldn't want to see Pop, but if the old bitch is fine, then I might want to see her. Pop liked them stacked women, so I can bet that ass would be fat.'"
When Paisley tells Saz her period is late his response is nothing short of epic Sazmen comedy.
"'Get up,' I told her. 'I'm gon' run to the store. What kind you need? Blueclear? You want that digital shit that predicts how far along you are?' 'It's Clearblue, crazy, and yes. Get like three of them just to be sure.' 'Pai, we both know them bitches gon' come back with got damn extra pluses on them. My nut be shootin' out like a super soaker. Hit those eggs like BULLSEYE!'"
After he gets back with the pregnancy tests.
"You ready to confirm my soldiers did the A-Town stomp up in that pussy?"
And only Saz can encourage his woman with such pizazz.
"Yo' ass gon' be fat as fuck. Want me to gain some weight, too? I don't want you feelin' bad if I'm walkin' around in all this fineness and you all bloated. We can be bloated together, baby."
When Saz's momma gets a new man, he isn't happy about it.
"If I did, I would have no problem speakin' my piece, my nigga. Stay yo' Blair Underwood lookin' ass over there and don't worry about me."
When Saz goes on one final mission, he finds his enemies in a precarious predicament.
"There were five of them, so we all split up and went to separate rooms. All the rooms were empty, so we checked the basement to find these niggas having a damn sleepover. They had built a damn fort. I swear they better be cousins because this was some gay shit."
That wraps up my funniest Sazmen Moss moments from the entire series. If any of these moments piqued your interest, please check out this amazing series. If you've already read this series let me know if you love Saz just as much as I do!